A Night of Reflection

Our Satyam Days, part XXIII

Stars Above, Memories Within

After a long day of work, we were all a little worn out and exhausted, so we just walked to the grassy lawn adjacent to the dorm cafeteria to rest for a while, everybody taking a much-needed breather before heading to our dorms and calling it a day.

Night fell, a lovely night. Every little star started to glisten in the pure, dark sky. Back in 1999/00, pollution had not taken over the environment as it has now, possibly the reason why the skies above us were noticeably boundless and darker, with brilliant stars sprinkled throughout the lordly heavens. Sitting on the lawn glowing with the day's twilight, I realized the time for a sacred moment of nostalgic reflection had arrived.

That was when I realized again — as I sat down on the patch of green for a breather, enjoying the nightfall descending on the land — though not for the first time as now but lacking in a way to examine the kind of personal loss I have been destined to mourn and am now living with that reality which affected me badly, albeit still believing that L. and I will always be in love no matter what life throws at you. While I stayed at the STC for the technical forum to conclude, the frailty of my love for her: the much-vaunted pain of losing someone my heart still went out to, my dearly beloved, nearly two heart-breaking years ago at that point in my life, had slowly begun to appear to be frittering away like a candle in the wind.

After a time, things weren't the same anymore, and it broke my heart. I lost her forever to the next time and era that has passed into the heartless, fast-changing world, which fell out of my liking. Now, it's only loneliness and isolation.

To this day, I kept the weight of those old introspections in my chest to myself, unable to confide to any friend or confidante. Sharing is accepting, I know; maybe it even creates a space for the absolution that has still eluded my understanding of what could have rightly been mine. Yet, some vain noise flutters as though chastising me: "What sort of absolution are you talking about? There's no absolution; just get ahead and move on. Life is for living, not for floundering in self-pity." I never did, to the best extent possible. I survived because I knew, deep down, I wasn't alone; I have all my memories safe in my heart.

I didn't heed that well-intentioned, if not blunt, 'advice.' Sometimes, random thoughts can intrude on your mind, often with so dramatic an unsuspecting force that can knock you down on the rocks of other such reflections, upsetting your perspective, even belittling your beliefs and convictions that you have always held close to your heart.

I realized, somehow, thank heavens, I need not privilege them with much attention and significance and yet be aware of their drastic impact if taken into consideration, for they might further target my vulnerability to thwart me off the nostalgic path to living and longing for the old days, among which the memory of L.T. is every little part of the whole firmament awash with divine faultless stars and that lovely pink moon that once brightened my youth, back when life felt much simpler and more genuine.

(Let this be my ode, my parting word, to my L.—My lifelong love for you is as vast as the boundless ocean. All I wanted was for you to have a better life. No matter how long I have left, maybe in the next life, I pray to get lucky again to complete you and me together where we belong: in an endless, everlasting melody of love that will fill our lives with happiness unbound as our love sets us free with every heartbeat taken for the one and only you: the only path I once knew. With every word written here, I promise I'll be there, hand in hand, until the end of time, forever and ever.)

“Hum chup hain... ke dil sun rahe hai…

Dhadakanon ko…, aahaton ko..,

Saanse... ruk si gayi hai,

Hum chup hain... ke dil sun rahe hai…”

Instead of acceding to the usually critical reasoning that my mind soft-soaped, I followed the sincere whispers of my heart. It was a heart that had only called her name once long ago; it has continued to do so ever since. And look what happened: I ended up enriching and restoring my mind's previous criticality with her beautiful thoughts for eternity; otherwise, I would have lost them to the void and "moved on" as if nothing of value had happened in my life or, as my mind, critically admonishing me once, had dared to suggest. So, wisely, I listened to my heart, not my head.

But I couldn't consider a rational way to apprise anyone of how my fate, destiny, and kismet had taken my special someone away from me as I got swept up into the continuous chaos of time and change. It broke me beyond belief, leaving me powerless to do anything. I remember breaking down, feeling shattered, alone, and lost. Accepting life's uncertainties was beyond words. My heart was gone, even as crying out my heart was the only thing to do. 

I just sat among my jolly good friends, staring into my not-so-distant past, watching the starry night sky aloft and the beautiful people around me talking, singing, and making merry. While my friends made merry, still so joyful and vivacious, even after a long day's work finished with a touch of finesse, I found myself yielding to the chronically lonesome thoughts of L.T., my gracefully elegant L., shining with light and colour in beauty and purity somewhere in the big wide world out there.

(To be continued…)

By Arindam Moulick

Note: The song “Hum Chup Hain,” featured in the Hindi movie Faasle (1985), is sung by the legendary voices of Lata Mangeshkar and Kishore Kumar.

Dedication: For L. It amazes me how I still believe what we started will go on eternally. You're still you and I'm still me.