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Beautiful Memory: Learning, Belonging and Other Musings
High School Reminiscences, part 2 of 16
For any teenager, it might be difficult to say something confirmed with finality. Although the word friendship can be a straight-cut misnomer when you’re nothing more than a teen and inexperienced to appreciate its power, there are exceptions, meaning you just have to find the right person to be friends with. And finding the right person is where most of us, at least me, go wrong.
True friendship lasts long for a lifetime. We hear that a lot, but where is true friendship? Does it even exist? That was one loaded question I continued to ask myself during the two years that I have studied in a far-away high school, up north neighbouring the Air Force Base.
Sure, true friendship doesn't exist in a form or it is present at someplace where you go and treat yourself with. True friendship is an experience, a magical feeling of intimacy; it’s like missing someone you thought you are familiar with but want to be friends, and so much more... However, based upon my personal experience, here is an anecdote I’d like to share.
Unaccustomed and unfamiliar
The point is that some of my classmates, the Arrogant Lot, were made of sterner stuff. No doubt about that. A rare breed of characters that you won’t come across anywhere. But sooner than later, I thought, it might run the risk of becoming extinct! In my teenage mind, I deduced that it was a clear case of Pride needling Humility out of the equation: it’s like pushing off ‘future competition’ and ‘potential challenges’ if there are any off the map. Friendship, in such somewhat reproachful circumstances, don’t get a chance to fructify, and considering the situation, I found myself in, perhaps it really shouldn't.
Strutting or asserting their ‘strengths’ they thought were far superior to any challenger’s, past or present, was their favourite game plan to ward off the fresh individuality of new students who are bound to bring to the batch. However, given the fact that the Arrogant Lot’s conventional I.Q. levels, though on an upward scale, most of them had a somewhat poor understanding of their classmates’ abilities to get good marks or make an overall good impression. At one moment these bunch of so-called ‘perennial performers’ doesn’t mind putting you up on a high pedestal, at others, they overthrow you at once when you don’t get good marks, and they talk to you when talked to until the time when you get good marks or get appreciation certificates from teachers. But the latter was not so easy to come by.
In our school, teachers only appreciated when there’s something ‘exemplary’ to be pleased about, otherwise, they simply refrained from doing so. That is to say, I was not used to seeing such peculiar ‘stuff-strutting’ types of students going about their wily ways without restraint and frankly, it is one of the reasons why my sense of moral justification to comprehend theirs went south.
I was far too withdrawn from such a display of excessive behaviour I didn't approve of. Calm and collected among the lot, I just couldn't grant them (most of them) their detached way of cleverness and cunning aptitude while we attended classes sitting on long unskilfully made wooden benches and gawping at the blackboard straight ahead. Honestly, all their superior airs about their studies bordering on egotism and overconfidence issues troubled me so much that I thought it was too much for me to relate to this kind of unfamiliar behaviour, so I better learn my lessons my way. Our teachers were, understandably, duty-bound to give a grounding in the subjects and so wrapping up lessons within the stipulated time was high up on their teaching agendas.
Furthermore, to gel with the Arrogant Lot, in the class, was quite a task at hand and I dropped it like hot coals. I thought I would have been better off if it hadn't been such a case at all at the school, considering I too was one of the new students amidst them. I must also make mention that sometimes I did enjoy their company not that I didn't but at other times I loathed it too. Therefore, I pinned it all down to two words: professional hazard. Though things in the class were not too difficult to get on with ultimately, however, I did end up seeing some very tough days in their uneasy company during those two years of my student life. It’s destiny, I suppose.
[In fact, students from the Junior class were far more interesting to befriend as they were out-going than most of us Seniors could only dream of. I often think of Rushma Florence, Mitu Singh, Topal Chapathi, Thomas (Doubting Thomas?), and a couple of other cool, smart and friendly personalities. Unmissable were their twinkle in their eyes, awing mannerisms, ever-ready highly infectious smile that spreads rapidly warming up the cockles of your heart, fun-loving personas. Traits like these, of a long-gone era, I suppose, are a rarity these days. Sure, there are exceptions though].
Afterwards, I just stopped judging my classmates based upon what they did or did not do ‘normally’ because it wasn’t my business anymore. I was in the throes of judging people based upon their behaviour I would see every day at school, but no, I was not on the right track. So better sense prevailed. I reorganized my thoughts and left them to their own devices. I understood good friendship doesn’t have a form or something, it has to be slowly often longingly desired. Hitting out at the first instance itself happens… in escapist cinemas, perhaps not in real life.
Soon after, it turned out to be fun thinking that they were just minor school students who ended up with a proud arrogance showing-off their kind of still-so-inadequate school-level hits and misses in terms of their studies and I cannot see myself as holier-than-thou. In spite of that private adjustment I made with my new circumstances, I was still asking myself stupid questions, I admit, didn’t matter to me: Why so? What exactly? Just to flaunt? To flaunt what? Why do you guys believe so much in your game of one-upmanship? Just be cool, no? Are you trying to impress our teachers? Why resort to such a thing at all? They were already so impressed with us senior bunch, weren’t they?
Still no friendship, hardly anything
Our teachers were good at teaching. They taught well. Full marks to them. We, Seniors, knew that our collective performance was supposed to reflect on their good teaching skills and it supposedly did. During those days, back in the late 1980s, thinking of such banal questions (see above) used to make me smart from some kind of teenage anguish, atrocious one, that I had no clue how to banish it or shrug it off and go about my business of being a careful, reflective school student. Such was my teen life; it’s was more or less a matter of one’s learning experience.
Unfortunately, what these proud bunch of my fellow bum chums didn’t know about was that almost all of us had a good surprise up our sleeves in regards to making a career: if that is the ultimate goal for everyone studying at a school or college. Anyone who is even moderately interested to perceive and understand as well this basic reality, he/she should appreciate the duty of being – a good human being first. The onus lies with the individual. While all of us were good men and women, boys and girls or teenagers actually, but the level of ‘career mongering’ that went about in our class wasn’t exactly ideal behaviour, and personally speaking, I’ve always looked down upon their quirky behaviour. Career mongering down down! Yea, that’s more like it.
Having said that, discussing one’s career aspirations is quite all right but only if it is coolly spoken, and not bombastically about; it’s not about throwing angry barbs at others who might not have a career plan or two yet. In all honesty, I have always refrained from hollering about my career aspirations with the fellow students of my class. Why? Because it was not required at all. Better still, it was not my thing to do so. Those who wanted to outclass each other and feel worthier in the process, do it: be my guest. But why shout out loud? Couldn’t it be articulated nicely? Have career aspirations for all you like, but be a gentleman first and gently express yourself. I know I know no two fingers are alike. Sigh!
I can be a great chum and even speak candidly about my career aspirations with much enthusiasm but shouting from the rooftops has never been my flair, besides it’s unbecoming of one’s standing in front of all present looking at you as if expecting you to gab about it with gay abandon. I wanted to keep that aspect of my student life strictly under wraps, not giving anything away was my idea of saying: “Well, I’ll see when it comes”. Nevertheless, I just knew there will be something so why worry and yak about it endlessly and cause unnecessary dilemmas for others who couldn’t be so keen to have it discussed upfront. For those who don’t incline to be an engineer or a doctor, there would be other professions surely where one can make a mark and be happy. Wasn’t school or college education just a means towards that end? By the time this positivity came into full view in my mind, we already had left school to go our separate ways, with every one of us seeking his place under the sun: a sustainable career that is – Astronaut or… naught!
Metaphorically speaking, just follow your heart (and mind) and your inner compass in life, you’ll have no harm done unto yourself. Try it. It works the way you want. All other hollow jingoism will fall by the wayside. ‘Follow your heart (and mind)’ and ‘your inner compass’ should be the essential premise by which one should, in general, live by. But I still had no proper friendship at school.
Who cares about friendship? Friendship gayee tel lene
Is teenage friendship overrated? What got my goat was the fact that all that they, the Arrogant Lot, ever wanted was to go overseas before appearing in one engineering entrance examination after another – all in the fond hope of prospering monetarily first, I suppose! While there’s nothing wrong with going abroad but my beef was with the continuous show-off exercise that they could very much afford to get done what others could only dream about, and that sort of thing.
Eventually, peer pressure loomed large over me to set myself in the direction the majority herd went. So I too began pursuing what I call ‘conventional dreams’ and was forced to prepare to take the plunge that will not only keep the society motor-mouths something to tattle about but also meet the expectations of my fantastic relatives (read: let’s see if you can do it like them) and people who I call friends. Wow! How typically considerate of me to have fallen in line just like that! See? I am so sweet!
While I was looking for friendship with them, they were looking for careers to be made, fast. Friendship gayee tel lene. (Who cares about friendship?) Sorry to say, with most of the classmates it was an onslaught on the very idea of friendship, bonding, and bonhomie – and can you believe that all these wonderful things of life never made their presence felt amongst us school-goers? Friendship, companionship, or relationship never bloomed in our hearts, for career mongering was in the firm grip of their heads, poor lads. As far as making friends was concerned, those two formative years of our life were gone for a toss.
Alas, for them there was absolutely no time for friendship, only studies, as much as it can be accommodated, were paramount on their heads. Friendship fell by the wayside as a flower trampled beneath the weight of their furious career-making plans and never-ending studies. What bloomed was narrow walls of cold antipathy towards each other, nothing else. After school, we never crossed our paths again. And they say, it’s just another day in paradise! How can that ever be possible?
One final compliment!
We were aspiring kiddos, not pompous clowns. Surprisingly, the girls of our class were more sensible, easy-going, and appreciably realistic than we boisterous boys could manage to be. What a smug feeling of proving one’s false superiority over classmates, my God! Most unimpressive. Boys will be boys, I guess, and girls will be girls being the best looking of the human species.
When you’re up and about building a show-off career for yourself and are successful at it, hypocritical actions follow suit. You tread on this path without hindrance or anyone stopping short of educating you that the foundation on which you formed your show-off career has to be misguided means towards realizing your career objectives. Despite that, it is best left to the individual’s choice to go on that well-trodden path while consigning all bonds of friendship to the flames. In any case, who am I or anyone, teachers included, to tell this bunch of smarty-pants that; no one, apparently; not even a friend. Some things never change and some other things change beyond repair or renewal. Hard fact of life. It’s better to do what others before you have done and survived, so abjure friendship embrace profit-making career. Friendship doesn’t bring laurels, a good career does. So go ahead turn your back on it, feign ignorance. Reject friendship to fetch the kind of laurels you are so desperately desirous of. In such circumstances, one can only voice an opinion: Pity that you guys haven’t deserved friendship in the first place.
In love with my regular khadi life
In matters of living and longing what better way than to stick to my part of regular yet monotonous, repetitious khadi life. I ought to do my job I am destined to do – that is, work for long unearthly hours – without having to worry about whether I’ll be paid (in cash or kind or credit) or not for all the pains I was fool enough to take.
Why, didn’t you hear: “Vats, karm kar karm, phal ki chinta mat kar”. And curse me all you like for not forgetting to bear that motto in mind to photo-finish unlike some of the jingoistic clowns of my class. Didn’t you ever hear that gentlemanly guys are supposed to finish last (out of concern for other desperately rotee surats!) if they have to, and never commit the mistake to come “first, first-class first” because that’s pitiful… gross for them? So I gladly obliged them. Now get that smirk off your face. I came first in class forever after, and I am as equally successful just as any other guy from my class has been or would ever want to be.
So where’s the difference, fellas? There’s isn’t any such thing. It’s a matter of one’s perspective; depends on how you look at it from what angle. Beware, a bad-angle look will often bring a smirk to your face. All I am saying is: “First, first-class first” isn’t any good student’s private property that gives him the moral license to set himself high up on a kicking horse and destroy friendship and memories with everyone forever. Just think about it, my dear never-friends. Be first-class first by all means but it doesn’t give you the right to be indifferent to others who will come first in class whenever that happens. The real fun is in the quest, the journey itself, to achieve good results, not in being arrogant and haughty when you happen to get some good marks: and there is no grace in the latter. Sell your so-called high horse BS of ‘first, first-class first’ off, you might get a little something at a local Kabaadiwala!
Fine. Go right ahead. Nothing wrong with sitting in such exams, is there? But we should remember that a day will come when everybody will have to take a long walk down old Memory Lane for introspection and reflection over memories of past happenings, and there, when you’re put in touch with the deepest part of yourself you’ll realize, finally, that how wonderful some things could have been if you had made friends with someone; but you didn’t. Sadly, all have been lost forever. Never to come back.
And you guys thought your act of strutting your ‘stuff’ of ‘good marks’ and all that ‘first-class first’ brouhaha – with a little prancing and a dash of ‘index finger-pointing’ thrown in – can make others behold of you as some kind of “deadly” species that ever walked on Earth (while also basking in false pride). To the so-called underachieving counterparts who you, perhaps, didn’t realize were always blissfully uninterested and unconcerned with the display of your narcissistic behaviour in the class and your “looking deadly” snooty rubbish. Oh, come on guys give yourselves a break! Have a heart.
So here’s hoping that you “deadly” people read well and pass out to get a decadent engineering seat in some underfunded, overcrowded faux university/college at the most. But please just be true to your conscience and your identity at least in matters of friendship. Getting to be an engineer is not the end in itself. Being a good human being is. Otherwise, it’s nothing but ridiculing yourself to be a man with no humanity and zero consciences. And that’s dangerous. Yes, you heard me right.
Cats have nine lives, we don’t. Lucky cats! We, humans, live only once, remember; maybe twice, if you are lucky like James Bond as you might prefer to ‘die another day’ or simply have ‘no time to die’! Just know that this world is a big place for everyone to live and prosper, and yes, come what may just be happy. Happiness is equivalent to all the “good marks” you can get anywhere, anyplace, anytime. Think about it: Happiness is friendship. If you’re not happy, you’re nothing. If you’re unhappy, you probably are risking yourself to come back to square one.
When you have a ‘light bulb’ illuminating somewhere within you, know that you have a new idea you never had before to change your life with. A wise guy said: It’s never too late to start anew. Take care and goodbye.
By Arindam Moulick
Disclaimer: This blog is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of my imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.